Church Stories and Spiritual Abuse

The circumstances surrounding my family’s departure from our last church were basically a secret for a very long time. When we left, I had exactly one friend in the church who actually knew the real story. For everyone else, my husband and I basically made up a reason to explain our leaving. The thing we said (“the church just hasn’t gone in the direction we’d expected”) was true, but it was far from the real story about why we left. 

 

At the time, it was the best I could do. I was still deeply committed to the idea that “protecting” the church and the pastor was somehow a noble and important thing to do. It saddens me now that I chose to protect a person who hurt me and an institution that allowed it, rather than protecting myself and bringing truth into the light. I didn’t have the capacity to do it differently then. But I have that capacity now.

 

I also didn’t want to be branded as a “gossip.” For reasons that I never thought to question, what was called “gossip” seemed to be viewed as a truly terrible offense. It was to be avoided at ALL costs. In that tidy paradigm, which does a lot to prevent truthful stories about bad behavior and harm from coming to light, much more was vilified as “gossip” than is appropriate. 

 

Talking honestly and openly about my own feelings and personal experiences is not gossip. Sharing my concerns for and opinions about my church community or its leaders is not gossip. Telling my friends about something painful that happened to me is not gossip. It’s conversation; it’s collaboration; it’s connection. In a healthy environment, all parties involved are encouraged to share openly and, together, to shape the collective narrative about things that transpire. But when true stories are perceived as a danger, cultures that permit abuse are laden with unspoken rules about keeping silent.  (On the resource page linked below, you will find several links and other resources that speak directly to how and why stringent warnings against what’s called “gossip” often loom large in unhealthy church cultures.) 

 

So, let me say this up front: what you’re about to read here isn’t gossip. It’s truth-telling. In my opinion, what I experienced, and the things that happened to many of the other people whose stories will be represented here, align very closely with what I understand of spiritual abuse. Regardless, I think it’s very likely that those of us who are raising our courage and using our voices will be branded as divisive gossips, bitter vendetta holders, or worse. That’s part of the playbook; it’s remarkably predictable. 

 

The subtly communicated insinuation might be that we’re intentionally trying to cause problems or create factional divides. The inference might be that we’ve (all) become spiritually misguided or lost, and should be pitied in our failure. Those whose behaviors are mentioned, however obliquely, might try to position themselves as victims of our unkindness, spite, or betrayal. That, too, is all part of the playbook.

 

So, before you read further, I invite you to pause to equip yourself with the info shared in this short post written by professor, researcher, and abuse advocate Wade Mullen: Discrediting the Truth-Tellers. And then pay attention to what happens next.

 

Our honesty is not the problem. We’re not trying to cause problems; we’re trying to reveal them.

 

In January 2025, I invited some friends to share their stories along with me on this website. I knew each of these friends had their own story about painful circumstances that predicated their departure from a church we’d all once called home. Some of them asked to invite in others, some of whose stories I knew, and some of whose I didn’t.

 

The only parameters I gave when I invited others to share were as follows:

 

1) We’re not naming names. Those who know will know, and those who don’t, don’t need to.

 

2) Everyone is required to tell the truth without exaggeration, and to clarify when an opinion or belief is anything other than objective fact. We aren’t trying to persuade or manipulate perceptions. We’re trying to tell the truth and invite ourselves into the narratives that others may have shaped around stories that belong as much to us as to anyone else.  

 

3) All were invited to be as anonymous as they wished, and given full control over how they’d be identified.  

 

Beyond those parameters, I gave each person permission to express themself in whatever way they wished. You’ll see various forms of expression and art, reflecting a variety of styles, tones, and experiences. The expressions you see from each contributor (all linked below) are their own. Each of us gets to have our own journey, and all of them count. 

 

My hope is that, presented side by side, you’ll see how many patterns and parallels they reveal. Collectively, we tell a story that no one of us could tell alone. 

 

In organizing this project, my primary goal is to help break the code of silence – all too common in churches – that perpetuates systems that harm and abuse people. Together, we’re trying to impede more pain and create transparency. We’re trying to give ourselves the gift of space to speak, and maybe, if we’re lucky, help some of our friends. 

 

Most of us left thinking we were the only ones to ever have such a disorienting and devastating experience with these individuals and/or at this church; turns out, none of us were alone.

 

Before you begin to read our stories, I want to add one more thing: there will be more.* 

 

The few of us who had the capacity to get our contributions pulled together most quickly decided to go ahead and share, though not everyone who plans to contribute is ready. There are some whose expressions are still in process, and others who aren’t yet ready to begin. I extended my invitation without a deadline.

Furthermore, I suspect there will be others who were once part of this community, but who haven’t been aware of this project until now. If that’s you, and you’d like to share (or get more information about contributing), please just contact me. I’ll be glad to share the parameters and help you to get started. This project’s initial contributions went live in March 2025, but I plan to accept new contributions indefinitely. You, too, may be as anonymous as you’d like. I’d love to add your voice to the story we are collectively telling. 

 

Thank you for opening yourself to sincerely listening to the hearts of others who deserve to be heard. That, in and of itself, is a loving thing to do.