My perspective is a little different going into this church because I’ve known the pastor pre-dating his work here, would even consider him a friend. We both come from the Kansas City music scene dating back to the early 90’s and both of our bands have played many shows together in basements, VFW halls, and the rare actual club. There’s a prevailing DIY (do it yourself) attitude that came from that generation of people who were involved in the music scene. It was punk, it didn’t find fault or excuses why something couldn’t be done, we always found a way. So when this friend of mine let me know that he was coming to my city to plant a new church it didn’t surprise me in the least. Of course he was. The first thing he dropped was an emotional YouTube video of him strolling down the main street downtown detailing all the amazing things in store for this city. Help the homeless, help the widow. It was a pretty simple message that was lock step with our punk rock ethos, it made perfect sense. And it made perfect sense that I would be a part of it as well. I’m a do’er, not a dreamer, I thought surely that will be recognized, appreciated and utilized. How could they not? I have a successful track record.
“This really is why the local population calls it a “hipster” church because they are trying to communicate that from as far they can tell it’s all style and no substance.”
So joining a church is a funny thing. I suspect it’s the same at nearly all of these young “hipster” churches that the locals like to call them. It’s not till after you leave confused and hurt that you can point back and be “oh that was love bombing” or “this was that” and a million other things that you later learn they do, seemingly to protect their tithes and keep their business going. And I do mean to say that, in my view, this church is a simple business. I’m a business man, a successful one, and I see very little difference between the two. It’s important to understand that this little church is somehow connected to a much much larger mega church that bears little resemblance to the look, feel and attitude that has been cultivated to reflect my city and its more liberal population. The cliffs notes really is that their idea of serving the city has always a party, or a treat or something sweet. This really is why the local population calls it a “hipster” church because they are trying to communicate that from as far they can tell it’s all style and no substance. As an attendant, after a while you see that nothing there is done selflessly, you start to notice that everything is designed to feed a belly through more attendance or more often, it seems to me, directly feed the pastor’s ego. This really is my biggest criticism of churches in general and I don’t think ours here in this city has reinvented that gross wheel in any way, they are just following the status quo. That’s not really what I wanted to share, but still I wanted to frame the following properly with it.
What I do want to state as clearly as possible is that I believe that this church is a dangerous place run by disinterested people. They failed me and my family in a way that I feel ashamed that I even let it happen. When my daughter was around 17 we had a very difficult time with her like many parents do. She was rebellious, knew everything already, and was obstinate at every turn. During this time she met a guy at church that for all intents and purposes presented as a part of the inner circle of people who have been running this church. The pastor shared pictures of him with his young girls Christmas morning on social media and he was at every function. In short, this was someone that appeared to be trusted by his association. The pastor had asked if I’d give this guy a job at my business where my daughter also worked and I obliged. As my daughter and this guy were now seeing each other at work and church functions we noticed quickly that they had developed an infatuation with each other. We asked the pastor his thoughts on them dating and it was then that he let us know that the guy has already been divorced once and that he didn’t think he was creeping on our daughter. No warning. Just that we should “put this in a crock pot and see what happens”. I start doing back of the napkin math and realize this guy is actually 30 something years old and now I’m pissed. Who are these people? Surely if something was off he would protect my family, right? We spoke to our daughter in every way we could to dissuade her from this relationship we felt had red flags at every corner. Friends and family all shared their thoughts with her that it was a bad idea and nothing helped. Several months later we got a long letter from our daughter detailing her undying love for this man and that they were having a secret relationship and there was nothing we could do. At this point she was 19 and we very somberly prepared her for moving out and getting her own place to start her life. You see, what we failed to realize is this guy was the Pastor’s pet project and continued to be through this entire relationship with my daughter. A severely flawed individual that, in my view, the pastor had to know full well had a violent past and also seemed to enjoy some sort of protection from the pastor. But in this weird christian hive mind it seems to me that, people can change not through work, therapy, medicine, and any real tangible effort, but by simply telling the pastor that he is making a difference in their life, feeding his ego. The pastor’s exact words were “I vouch for him” and it proved a lie that had real consequences for us. It was heart breaking to have our first born leave the nest like this, then attend his church and listen to any sermon by him. So I stopped going. I couldn’t even look at him.
“It’s unthinkable to me today but when you are in that setting they have this weird power to make you feel like you are out of line and need to come to heal.”
It took some months and I did a lot of reflecting on my parenting, my marriage, my other kids. I started having these doubts that maybe I was consumed by displaced anger and maybe I was in the wrong. Much to my wife’s anguish, I made the unthinkable decision to try and attend this church again and get reconnected and work through my anger and try to find harmony. What I found was that when you leave and go back you are not treated like the prodigal son upon return. In my experience, the greatest offense I learned, no matter the reason you left, is to cut the ego of the pastor. God help you. You enter a period of unspoken probation, a back of the bus, and put your hand down I’m not calling on you, isolation. Can you imagine a grown man allowing himself to be in trouble like I allowed myself to be here? It’s unthinkable to me today but when you are in that setting they have this weird power to make you feel like you are out of line and need to come to heal. And so I cruised along until something truly heinous happened.
After serving as Scout leaders one night, my wife received texts with pornographic pictures of our daughter from this guy, the pastor’s pet project. He had some sort of argument with our daughter and in his twisted way to punish her, he chose my wife to target and taunt as well. “See what I was able to get your daughter to do”, “your faith means nothing”, “you are a horrible mother”. I came unglued, and was out to kill this guy. The cops were of zero use and were more interested in getting the nude pictures from us which we refused. I was barely able to share my anger which I can only describe as violent, and dangerous in the little ability to control it. I was in a stupor for months, praying he’d cross my path so I could break his neck with my bare hands. My wife could see I was in danger and reached out to the church and explained what happened and that I needed help badly and quickly, and suggested the men rally around me because I was feeling isolated. My other friends in life were ready to go after this guy but she wanted the church to show me a different way. The response from the pastor’s wife was unexpected in it’s defensiveness, she crossed her arms and said something to the effect of “sorry that happened but we can’t control what people in our church do…legally”. I had also personally asked that maybe the men in the church would be willing to come together and speak to the man as a group that he needs to stay away from my daughter, very much in line, as I understand it, with how churches normally handle this type of situation. It was rejected and they misunderstood me so greatly as to insinuate I was asking for them to fight or hurt this guy in some way. This was truly one of the darkest times of my life. It’s hard to share what our needs are, we tend to squash them down, it took a lot to ask for support. As we entered our last year I was able to articulate to my wife that I’ve never been involved some place that created so much conflict in my life. I’m only choosing to share one major story in my time here, but it truly was always something. It’s also worth noting that since leaving I’ve never since experienced this type of endless conflict again.
“I told him he should have found my family important enough to warn us that his pet project was dangerous. And also that they should have stepped in and confronted him, that he can’t take advantage of families in his church.”
I was honest with the pastor about this and very frank over lunch. I told him he should have found my family important enough to warn us that his pet project was dangerous. And also that they should have stepped in and confronted him, that he can’t take advantage of families in his church. That they should have done something, anything. His response was that he felt he actually handled it perfectly, and was shocked to hear me tell him he didn’t think I thought he did an awesome job too. My wife picked up on this earlier, but I urge any current members who may be reading this to pay attention any time during a sermon that the pastor is called to reflect on his actions, intentions, or himself. It seems it is always answered with some form of “but god knows I’m a good guy trying my best” and then self examination is avoided. Poof.
As insane as I sound to myself as I relive this, what made me finally be free was unexpected but profound. My realization was at this birthday party for the pastor at the church, and they were showing videos of all his friends sharing birthday wishes and reflecting on his greatness. It was a quiet moment, but a very freeing one, but It just hit me. I grabbed my wife’s arm and said hey let’s go, we weren’t invited. And that truly was the simple answer this whole time, they’ve been trying to tell me I’m not invited but I was just too dense to get the hint. The joy I saw in my wife’s eyes was sad to me actually, understanding now that she had already been done spiritually for some time, and now she could finally just leave. To learn I was torturing her here was difficult and I still apologize for it in quiet moments together.
You know, I hate this story. I hate the many other stories I have from this church involving things like the pastor misleading me to acquire some very expensive cheesy sneakers, or just straight up lying to the face of a little blind lady in a wheelchair who just wanted to say “Hi”. I hate the stories about our little home group being attended by someone who was, to me, a most obviously dangerous guy, who went to jail and was later on trial for being a pedophile. I hate the stories of how the church moved across the street and took out a huge loan to add a cafe as outreach and then debuted it quite oppositely as “biscuits not prayers” to the public. I just hate that being in fellowship with other followers in Christ seems to end up like this more often than not.
